I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
