The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
