She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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