Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
