why didn't you poke me back
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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