I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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