You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
