His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
