Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
