In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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