I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
