I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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