I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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