Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
