I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
