6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
