if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
