Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
