I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
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