So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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