I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
