honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
