you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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