you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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