community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
