We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
