Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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