the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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