6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
