Your face is a jimmy john
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
