My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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