Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
