you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
