I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
