so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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