Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
