I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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