i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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