He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
