No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
