She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
