3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
