Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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