it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
