There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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