im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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