Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
