I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
