i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
