What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
