we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
