The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
